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01 / Listening
Key question
Do you hear what is meant?
Most misunderstandings arise not from speaking, but from listening. We hear what we expect to hear and reply before the other person has finished. Good listening is a skill that can be practised.
Learning objective: You can listen actively, distinguish between the four sides of a message, and pay attention to non-verbal cues.
Listening is half the answer.
1.1 / Active listening
Wanting to understand, not wanting to reply.
The psychologist Carl Rogers coined the term active listening. It consists of three simple actions that together have a powerful impact:
01
Be attentive
Phone away, eye contact, don't interrupt. Show that nothing else matters right now.
02
Summarise
Rephrasing what you have understood in your own words: 'So, you mean …'
03
Enquiries
Ask open questions that bring out more: 'What exactly bothers you about it?'
Summarising feels unnatural at first. However, it shows the other person that they have been heard, and uncovers misunderstandings before they become major issues.
Summarising shows: I've heard you.
1.2 / Four sides of a message
Every message says more than just its words.
Hamburg psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun describes every message as having four facets: factual content, self-disclosure, relationship, and appeal. Whoever speaks transmits on all four; whoever listens receives with four ears.
We often listen primarily with one ear—for instance, the relationship ear—and feel attacked when only a factual question was intended. Asking questions instead of guessing untangles many knots.
Ask rather than guess.
1.3 / Non-verbal signals
The body speaks too.
Tone of voice, pace, posture, and pauses carry a lot of meaning. When words and body language do not match, we usually believe the body.
However, non-verbal signals are ambiguous. Crossed arms can indicate rejection or simply that someone is cold. Observe what you notice and ask rather than interpret: 'You seem thoughtful right now. Is that right?'
Observe, do not interpret.
Exercise
A conversation involving only listening
Task: Have a ten-minute conversation in which you only listen, summarise, and ask questions.
STEP 1
Ask someone to tell you about a project or a concern.
STEP 2
Summarise two or three times what you have understood and ask if that is correct.
STEP 3
Only ask open questions and do not give any advice.
STEP 4
At the end, ask: ‘Did you feel understood?’
Evaluation: What did you learn that you would have missed in an ordinary conversation?